Coronation Street Episode Review 16 November 8.30pm

Previously published at: https://coronationstreetupdates.blogspot.com/2018/11/coronation-street-episode-review-16_17.html

We’re back and Nick and Leanne are leaving the flat in such a loved up post-coital daze that they totally fail to notice Elsa watching them from across the street. Nick finally remembers he’s got a job and saunters over to the factory. He’s probably planning to spend the rest of the day looking smug whilst paying Candy Crush when Elsa storms in. She’s seen his ‘little tart’, knows he lied to her and is going to make him suffer. Oh dear Nicky, I think your quickie fuss-free divorce may be out of the question now.

Over at the court, Abi is sent down for 16 weeks, which seems rather harsh for trashing a few chrysanthemums. As the judge reads out the sentence Tracy has a brief ‘You can’t handle the truth’ moment when she stands up to defend her ex-friend. But unfortunately rather than a total confession all she manages is a pathetic ‘Abi doesn’t deserve this’, which is about as helpful throwing a drowning woman both ends of the rope.  

Gina and Duncan’s date continues with Gina claiming she’s a rich widow, whose late husband was called either Fred or Frank, (she really needs to practice this), and Duncan giving her more flannel than a towel factory. He eventually tells her that he knows she’s Sally’s sister and that Sally not only broke his heart and conned him but that she thinks Gina is stupid and a liability. Gina storms out saying she doesn’t believe him but we all know that she’s insecure enough for some of those barbs to have hit their target.

Over at the Bistro Robert tells Michelle that he thinks they should have a baby together. Clearly Robert has not been paying attention to his wife’s parenting skills, so just to recap for Mr Preston: The son Michelle raised turned out to be an unemployed, feckless, drug user. The son she didn’t raise managed to become a respected public service professional with an unblemished medical career, until he spent a couple of months with his mother. He’s now a murderer. I think we may have solved the nature/nurture question. If she’s responsible for the upbringing of another child it’d most likely make Damian from the Omen look like Ron Weasley. Luckily for Robert the Queen of the Universe didn’t seem too keen on the baby idea so he may have dodged a bullet.

 Finally after being backed into a corner Nick decides it’s time to tells Leanne that he’s married. Leanne is shocked but it looks like he may be able to win her round with his declarations of eternal love, until he messes it all up by letting slip that he only separated from his wife a week ago. Leanne furiously storms off. So all in all a pretty bad end to the day that started so well for our Nick…and he hasn’t even told Gail yet!

Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed it.

Kelly

@mskelstar

Coronation Street Episode Review 16 November 7.30pm

Previously published at: https://coronationstreetupdates.blogspot.com/2018/11/coronation-street-episode-review-16.html 

Evening Corrie fans, it’s Kelly here with the first of your Friday night Corrie reviews.

If tonight’s episodes were a Cosmopolitan magazine it would be ‘the parenting issue’. First up we have Seb and Abi who are still rowing over the court case and Abi’s decision to put the twins up for adoption. Seb is so determined to keep the twins that he’s considering adopting them himself, even if it means turning his back on his mum. Whilst Abi is arguing that they deserve a better life than the one she can give them. To be fair she may have a point. You’d be hard pressed to find a lawyer or a finance manager amongst the kids who grew up on Coronation Street. The best you can really hope for is becoming a landlady of a backstreet boozer, but that’s only if you’re prepared to marry someone 20 years older than you and overlook his philandering with the barmaid.

Meanwhile Sinead, in a misguided attempt to protect her unborn child, is rejecting her chemotherapy in favour of a plant-based alkaline diet as suggested by her new BFF Stef. To throw Daniel off the mung-bean scent she even has Stef call him up pretending to be Flora’s nursing home. Which is pretty sneaky for a woman who you just know has never chucked a sickie in her entire life. Why Sinead is so keen to take the advice of some hippy she’s just met over that of medical professionals, (you know the ones that actually do this for a living), who have already told her that the chemo won’t harm her baby is beyond me. But then I demanded total sensory deprivation plus back up drugs the last time I had a filling, so maybe I’m not the best person to ask.

Over at number one Nick has called round to try to talk Simon out of joining the navy. Despite his lack of parenting experience Nick does actually manage to talk some sense into Si, who grudgingly agrees to finish his A-Level’s before leaving for a life on the ocean wave. Nick has cleverly used a tactic which neither of Simon’s actual parents seem to have considered which involves just speaking to him in a calm, measured tone rather than constantly picking a fight, getting drunk, burning his home down or copping off with the babysitter. Amazing.

Feeling rather pleased with himself Nick goes round to Leanne with the news. It pleases her so much that she deems it deserving of a bottle of wine and an afternoon bunk up. I did think that both of them had jobs but clearly the economy in Weatherfield is so stable that they can both skive off with no one batting an eyelid. In their passion they both ignore the sound of the door-buzzer being repeatedly pressed by Elsa (fair play that would have put me right off my game). The soon-to-be-ex Mrs Tilsley had overheard Leanne boasting about Nick whilst buying a bottle of wine from Dev’s. If only they’d stayed sober for their afternoon delight!

In other news Gina has an internet date with Ian, (mid 40’s, grainy photo) who turns out to be none other than dodgy Duncan. Of all the bars in all the world…  

Meet you back here at 8.30pm!

Coronation Street Episode Review 2 November 8.30pm

Previously published at https://coronationstreetupdates.blogspot.com/2018/11/coronation-street-episode-review-2.html

We’re back and Peter is already getting Adam to draw up a contract for the factory sale. Just as you should never do your food shopping when you’re hungry, I can’t help thinking that you shouldn’t do business deals with a bruised ego. But it’s all academic anyway as Nigel has decided he’s out. He thought Carla was aware of the deal and doesn’t want a hostile partner, certainly not one who could probably give him a nasty papercut with one of her cheekbones.

The lady in question is still at Michelle’s. The two of them now seem to have identical hair, eyebrows and leather jackets which makes you question both the range of beauty salons in Greater Manchester and the possibility of Ali having a suppressed oedipal complex. Michelle is about to tell Carla about the murder and how it's affected HER, when Ali himself arrives home drunk and Carla decides to leave them to it.

Drunk Ali promptly confesses to Robert that he murdered Ronan and wants to hand himself in. Robert seems quite surprised by this, I don't understand why as I’m pretty sure that Michelle has already sang like a canary and told Robert that secret that she promised to take to the grave. Robert tells Ali not to go to the police, but to return to his GP training where he will have the opportunity to save thousands of lives. He also offers him a job at the bistro while he decides what he wants to do. Please don’t let this be Ali’s fate. I’ve lost count of how many once bright and educated characters are reduced to waiting tables or collecting glasses. Can we please just once have a character who’s rewarded rather than punished for their intellect.

Meanwhile it's all happening over at the Rovers: Nick is telling Leanne how he’s changed. He’s not bothered by Peter or Steve anymore and just wants to stick around. Leanne’s not having any of it, unsurprisingly as it’s all a teeny bit creepy and stalkerish.  Gina and Tim are back from a football match and growing closer over a game of darts. Whilst out in the backroom Carla is confessing to Johnny that she might still be in love with Peter. ‘Now I can buy him out I don’t want to’ she says. Johnny, whilst not that happy about his daughter still having feelings for the man who broke her heart, tells her she needs to talk to him.

A call comes through from Peter asking Carla to meet him in the factory.  She rushes over about to take her dad’s advice, but Peter has a shock for her.  He is still selling his share but to…Nick.

And that’s all from me for this week Corrie fans.  Hope you've enjoyed it as much as me. Byeee.

Kelly
@mskelstar

Coronation Street Episode Review Friday 2 November 7.30pm

Previously published at https://coronationstreetupdates.blogspot.com/2018/11/coronation-street-episode-review-friday.html

Evening Corrie fans it's Kelly here with our first visit to Weatherfield.

Sarah and Gary are getting frisky at the empty factory early in the morning when Peter walks in on them. No one had Mr Barlow down for being an up-with-the lark sorta man and it soon becomes clear that he an ulterior motive for being there when Nigel Steadman turns up for a secret meeting. Peter is sneakily trying to sell him his share of the factory.

When Carla arrives he lies to her that he has had a dentist appointment and goes off to meet Nigel at Speed Daal. Bit of a stupid plan as Carla has had a fair bit of practice spotting a Peter Barlow deception. After Sarah crumbles like a cheap digestive and gives up the information, Carla storms into Speed Daal, all flouncy indignation and cheekbones and tells Nigel to sling his hook. Then she and Peter have a very sexy Burton and Taylor-esque row and she tells him she doesn’t want to lose him. Peter’s ego inflates like a helium balloon and he promises not to sell to Nigel until he and Liz Carla have talked it over later in the Rovers.

Meanwhile over at Chez Metcalfe, Gina is preparing lunches and ironing Tim’s incredible collection of lumberjack shirts. I think Faye may have said something sweet and supportive at this point but I’m not entirely sure as I was completely distracted by the Towie-style makeover she seems to have had. That shiny forehead was weirdly reminiscent of Katie Price, so no doubt her next storyline will involve her bringing out a range of pink equestrian products whilst moaning about her personal life in OK Magazine.

Outside Victoria Court Ronan’s mum Patti Truman ambushes Ali demanding to know what happened to her son. At Roy’s Ali repeats his story that he tried his best to save him and three, (yes three), hours later she finally believes him and tells him he’s a hero. Unfortunately our ‘hero’ is a broken man. And who wouldn’t be after spending your whole morning in the café with nothing to sustain you but Roy’s weak tea and a Manchester tart. Michelle finds him on the floor outside the flat in bits and he runs off telling her he can’t live with the guilt.

Just at that moment Carla turns up and has to comfort Michelle. This means she stands Peter up at the Rovers. He goes back to the factory, starts rooting through her drawers (leave it) and finds a letter from the bank that suggests ironically that she’s trying to buy him out. There'a a loud pop and the smell of leaking helium and an enraged Peter phones Nigel to tell him the deals back on…

See you back here for my 8.30 review.

Coronation Street Episode Review Friday 12 October 8.30pm

Previously published at https://coronationstreetupdates.blogspot.com/

We’re back at the crash scene. Ali is trying to revive Leanne who is not responding. Obviously this doesn’t please Michelle who seems to believe that Ryan is the only one who deserves medical attention. There’s a wailing from Ronan’s car, Ali goes to investigate and finds that Ronan has a bit of fence post sticking out of his abdomen which will kill him if he pulls it out (almost exactly like Pat Phelan). Ali tries to help and reason with Ronan but soon realises how dangerous he is when he sees the gun in his glove compartment. When Ronan repeats his threats to the Connor family Ali pulls out the fence post, effectively murdering him.

Meanwhile the rest of the Street residents deal with the day’s revelations. Jenny is determined not to believe the gossip about her husband and her barmaid but Johnny can’t keep lying and he comes clean to his devastated wife.

Hannah finds Jim and they drive away together, with the Big Man looking none too happy about it. But does Fakie Katie have Liz’s £10,000? Come on Elizabeth, I know you’ve had a bit of a shock but surely you need to think about giving your bank manager a quick call and stopping a payment?

Having received some coffee and sympathy from Mary, Ken and Abi, Tracy has decided that she will go on her honeymoon after all. A little bit because she’s always fancied Morocco - maybe it’s the kidney getting homesick (brilliant line from Tracy!) But mainly because after dramatic weddings and revenge there's little that Tracy likes more than schadenfreude, and she wants to be the first one to tell Steve the horrible news that his dad is a conman and his sister isn’t his sister.

Over at the hospital Ali is clearly traumatised by what he’s done. His story is that he tried to save Ronan but that the gangster pulled the fence post out himself.  Michelle has a go at him for this, saying he shouldn't have helped Ronan, because obviously she’d much rather have a sociopath for a son than a responsible medical professional.

As Toyah rushes to the hospital to be with Leanne. She finds that someone has beaten her there. Nick is back. He's at Leanne’s bedside and he’s going nowhere!

Well that’s all from me for the week. Kosmo @Kosmo100 will be back next week

Laters
Kelly
@MsKelstar

Coronation Street Episode Review Friday 12 October 7.30pm

Previously published at https://coronationstreetupdates.blogspot.com/

Evening Corrie fans, it's Kelly here with your Friday night reviews.

We’re still at the disastrous Barlow/McDonald wedding where Hannah is cruelly tormenting Jenny by repeating the news that Johnny slept with Liz. A shell-shocked Jenny returns to the Rovers and recounts the events of the wedding (minus her husband's infidelity) to the delight of Rita and Gemma. But will she confront Johnny?

Up in the ‘bridal suite’ Mary and Abi are trying to comfort Tracy, who wants to both go on her dream honeymoon with Steve but also smash his face in. As she’s already accomplished one of the two she might at least get herself a suntan.

Over at the Osbourne/Tinker nuptials Sinead decides she needs to tell Chesney that she’s got married. He doesn’t seem that surprised, but then Chesney has all the emotional range of a lamp shade so it’s hard to tell whether the news has affected him or not. Suddenly feeling emotional Sinead lets Ches believe it’s because of her pregnancy, which leads him to unwittingly give her the wrong advice about how you should do anything for your children. Looks like Sinead won’t be making a sensible decision any time soon.

Meanwhile a frantic Michelle returns from her unsuccessful meeting with Ronan screeching that she Ryan, Ali and Robert all need to immediately go on the run.  Given that they have no passports, no money and no Robert you can’t help but think that this is rather half-baked plan, but as we all know Michelle is the Queen of the Universe and shall not be argued with.  They speed off, but Ronan is chasing them. Voice of reason Ali calls the police while Michelle and Ryan mainly just scream at each other.  Unfortunately, Tracy has tampered with the car and Michelle’s engine dies. Ryan gets out of the car and Ronan drives straight at him knocking him over the windscreen.  As Michelle does some more screaming, Ronan reverses and hits Leanne (who for completely unknown reasons has just arrived) and then crashes through a fence and into the woods.

Who will survive?  Could Leanne’s day get any worse? Will Michelle remember that other people exist? We’ll find out at 8.30...

Top of the Fox

Bin-bag (to be sung to the tune of Starman by David Bowie)

Didn’t know what time it was, street lights were glow-o-ing

There were humans that were coming and go-o-ing
Some cat was playing with  frightened mouse, nearly dead he said
Then the humans did seem to retreat
I caught a smell of rotten, week old meat
I started drooling cos I remembered it’s bin night

There’s a bin bag, it’s tied up very neat
I’m going to tear it open,
Spill the rubbish ‘cross the street
There’s a bin bag, waiting just for me
It's my favourite night,
I’m going on a litter spree

Oh humans...
Let the foxes lose it
While you’re having snoozes
Let all the foxes go crazy

My mate Jimbo he heard it was bin night too

He trashed a driveway then covered it in fox poo
I told him Jimbo don’t you let  those humans spot you
Look at their windows you can see their lights
If you wake them they can really uptight
He wouldn’t listen cos he was crazy for bin night

There’s a bin bag, it’s tied up very neat
I’m going to tear it open,
Spill the rubbish ‘cross the street
There’s a bin bag, waiting just for me
It's my favourite night,
I’m going on a litter spree

Oh humans...
Let the foxes lose it
While you’re having snoozes
Let all the foxes go crazy

Coronation Street Episode Review Friday 21 September 8.30pm

Previously published at: https://coronationstreetupdates.blogspot.com/2018/09/coronation-street-episode-review-friday_48.html

We’re back. Toyah has rescued Imran after his beating at the hands of Tim and is tending his wounds and insisting that she definitely doesn’t fancy him whilst looking at him like he’s an all-you-can-eat tofu buffet. I’m not totally convinced of the chemistry between these two, but he’s at least a better match than Peter.

Over at the factory Peter is feeling like Carla’s lackey so hatches a plan to buy an abandoned snooker hall which has miraculously appeared overnight on Victoria Street. You do have to wonder where he is getting his pots of money from? Has he done some sort of deal involving a cow and some magic beans?

Claudia is still over at the Barlow residence. She offers to read Ken’s short story which Daniel has already dismissed as being too wordy. When she proffers a perfectly good suggestion about it having a female protagonist Ken gets a bee in his bouffant about dumbing down and practically calls her stupid. The cheek of it! Next time Claudia forget about the facial and give him a back, sack and crack wax.

Back at the McDonald’s Liz is fussing over Hannah like a spandex clad Florence Nightingale. She suggests Hannah move in so that she can look after her. Jim’s not impressed with the idea. ‘You’re supposed to be taking things slowly’ he growls. Hannah retaliates by accusing him of still having feelings for Liz, the woman who abandoned him in his hour of need. He denies it, insisting he wants them to have a future together. Later out of Hannah’s earshot Liz apologises for not being there for him and tells him he is welcome whenever he likes. Will Jim have second thoughts about conning Elizabeth?

Coronation Street Episode Review Friday 21 September 7.30pm

Previously published at: https://coronationstreetupdates.blogspot.com/2018/09/coronation-street-episode-review-friday_22.html

We open in prison with Sally, the new Weatherfield one, practicing her relaxation techniques. One thing you can say about Corrie is they get the most out of their sets. That prison and hospital has had more use this year than Liz’s tummy-control thong.

Sally could be gracing both with her presence soon as, totally forgetting where she is, she boasts about formerly being the mayor and having a rich husband, earning her a bloody nose from her thieving cellmate. Weeping and humiliated she realises her mistakes, forgives Sophie and reinstates Paula.

The man who is partly the cause of all this isn’t having a much better day. In the café Imran is humiliated by the Battersby sisters when he’s made to get down on one knee and apologise to Leanne. Then outside the café he gets a thumping from Tim for putting Sally behind bars.  That’ll teach him to be educated and look dashing in a suit. The best way to avoid misfortune in Weatherfield is to have one O-level in pottery and dress like you’ve rolled yourself in glue and ran through a charity shop.

Talking of style Ken gets a terrible haircut from Audrey which Claudia offers to fix in return for a glass of vino. When Aud calls round to apologise Ken is in a face pack looking a dead ringer for Sergei in the opening credits.

Meanwhile over at Chez McDonald there’s some bad news concerning the impending nuptials. Tracy and Steve’s wedding venue has gone up in flames. How did that happen? Did Tracy cross the threshold without being invited? Either way they can’t get the deposit back. ‘I’m gonna be skint after this wedding’ Steve moans to his feckless father, causing Jim to text Hannah telling her they’ll have to concentrate on getting the money out of Liz. Not a girl to hang about, Hannah immediately pretends to collapse in the Rovers from her fake illness.

I’m not sure this is part of Big Jim’s plan so it’s not…but we’ll find out at 8.30.

Top of the Fox

Like a Pet Dog (to be sung to the tune of Madonna's 'Like a Virgin')

I made it through the winter months

Somehow I made it through
Didn't know how starved I was
Until I met you

I'd have eat-en my feet
I was thin
I was stealing from bins
But you gave me a meal
And it made me feel
Happy and full

Like a pet dog
Fed by a friendly human
Like a pet dog
When you serve me, food from a can

You gave me beef with biscuits

You gave me turkey and rice
Been sitting outside your door
I don't need calling twice

You're so kind
Will you mind..?
If I dig, up your plants and rocks
Cos I must confess...
I love to make a mess
I am still a fox

Not a pet dog....

Coronation Street Episode Review Friday 14 September 8.30pm

First published on https://coronationstreetupdates.blogspot.com/2018/09/coronation-street-review-friday-14.html

We’re back and Jim has hastily come up with a story about Hannah changing her surname to escape a jealous ex. It becomes clear that the con is bigger than just Hannah and Jim when he phones a mysterious contact to arrange another fake DNA test and then arranges for a (surely bogus) lawyer to turn up talking about a large compensation pay-out.

Meanwhile Evelyn is over at Dev’s making a nuisance of herself. She tries threats of ageism, swapping the labels around on a Dev’s stock and some light shoplifting before finally faking a heart attack.  Tyrone finds her and brings her back to number 9 where she wastes no time making herself at home. Corrie is fabulous for sharp-tongued battle-axes and Maureen Lipman is already brilliant. Long may she huddle in a Rovers nook with a sweet sherry and a dry put down.

Toyah tells Adam that she knows about Leanne’s office romance and she’s fine with it. He repeats the mix up to Imran, who’s eyes light up at the thought of some consequence-free hanky-panky with both Battersby sisters. With all the romantic misunderstanding over siblings, it would all be rather like a Shakespearean comedy…if the action was centred in a solicitor’s office in Weatherfield!

Over at Speed Daal Sophie watches as Kevin and Paula have an awkward date set up by the ever- persistent Sally. As promised Paula lets Kev down gently before giving Sophie a lecherous arm stroke.

At the Rovers the details of Hannah and Jim’s plot is starting to emerge. Hannah tells Liz and Steve that the compensation money they receive will help her and Jim get treatment for their myotonic dystrophy condition. The trouble is they don’t have much time and there is a pioneering treatment in the States, if only they could somehow get the money sooner… It’s actually a take on possibly one of the oldest confidence tricks, the Spanish Prisoner scam (see: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanish_Prisoner). Surely Tracy Drew could work this out? Get her on the case someone.

Personally, I think Jim is being conned too and Hannah will disappear with all the money. I can’t imagine that there are many 26-year-olds whose hearts would be set fluttering by Jim. Then again maybe she has fetish for Irish ex-cons who elongate people’s names?

That’s all from me. Back next week or you can read my general musings on Twitter @mskelstar.
Kelly

Coronation Street Episode Review Friday 14 September 7.30pm

First published on https://coronationstreetupdates.blogspot.com/2018/09/coronation-street-episode-review-friday_15.html

We open with the con in full swing as an emotional Liz presents Hannah/Fake Katie with a necklace, whilst Jim is at the actual Katie’s grave asking for forgiveness for what he’s doing to her memory. Jim’s habit of calling people by their full forenames even extends to him addressing his deceased daughter as ‘Katherine’. How does Jim introduce himself I wonder? I really hope it’s as Big James C McDonald in a Treasure of the Sierra Madre fashion. Liz arrives at the graveside too and misinterprets Jim’s guilt.  ‘We’re allowed to cry for the daughter we buried’ she says as Jim hangs his head in shame.

Leanne admits to Toyah that she’s seeing someone from work but implies that it’s Adam. Then back at the office she tells Imran she wants a strictly ‘no strings attached’ relationship before delving into her favourite solicitor’s briefs. Is anyone else worried about the hygiene situation in that office? I think they might need to get Gail in there to give all their surfaces a good going over with her Mr Muscle.

Meanwhile at number 9 Tyrone is being ghosted by Evelyn who is ignoring his phone calls. But then in an extraordinary-and in no way moving the plot along-coincidence a housing officer calls round and reveals Evelyn is being evicted and has nowhere to stay. Tyrone is all for offering his new Nan a place to stay but Evelyn’s not convinced. I can’t say I blame her since the offer seems to involve her and her gigantic hound camping out in the front room. That wallpaper alone is enough to give most people nightmares.

Liz breaks the news to Steve that his sister is still alive which he understandably finds rather difficult to deal with.

‘How is that even possible?’ says Tracy, who wastes no time in undertaking some excellent online detective work and finding out that Hannah has a different surname on social media.

For the second time in two weeks Ms Barlow has emerged as the sensible voice of reason. Though I rather like it, I can’t help wondering what other characters are going to suddenly change direction. Next thing you know Maria will announce she’s taking a PhD in molecular biology and Carla will wear an outfit that isn’t entirely black.

Armed with their evidence Tracy and Steve summon Liz and Jim. How will James C McDonald talk his way out of this one?

By Kelly @mskelstar

Introducing....Top of the Fox

Living in the suburbs you see a fair few urban foxes. I've gotta admit I love them with their wily

faces, their bold cheekiness and their determination to survive at all costs - whether that means raiding a bin or snacking on a rat (who knows what London's rodent problem would be like without 10,000 urban foxes patrolling the streets?).

The skinny-looking chancer above visits my garden on a regular basis looking for some food. It's a tough life being an urban fox so I decided he deserved a chicken leg and a soundtrack.  In the first of a series we have:

I Got Some Chips (to be sung to the tune of 'I Saw the Light' by Hank Williams)

I wandered so hungry, stomach empty

I couldn't find nothing for my tea
Then a drunk's dinner slipped through his fingertips
And Praise the Lord, I got some chips

I got some chips, I got some chips
I just can't wait, I'm licking my lips
Now I'm so happy I'm doing backflips
Praise the Lord I got some chips

I was so hungry I'd bitten my tail
I'd even eaten some slugs and a snail
I couldn't stand no more hardships
Then Praise the Lord, I got some chips

I got some chips, I got some chips
I just can't wait, I'm licking my lips
Now I'm so happy I'm doing backflips
Praise the Lord I got some chips

Coronation Street Episode Review Friday 7 September 8.30pm

Previously published on the Coronation Street Blog

And we’re back in the Rovers where it’s fair to say that Jim is about as welcome as a hedgehog in a condom factory. Peter tries to attack him for the dodgy alcohol he gave him in prison and Steve storms out of the Rovers telling his dad that he’s nobody to him.

Finally, Liz takes him to the backroom, but not before Jim has clocked the sexual tension between her and Johnny. He can read Elizabeth like a book, so he can. He wants to know why Liz’s name isn’t still above the door of the Rovers, why Steve is marrying the Antichrist and a stiff drink…not necessarily in that order. Liz dully fills him in on all the news, including that he has a grandson, but he only gets a cup of tea. Sure, that’ll not quench a man’s brave first.

Back at the hospital Bethany is still ranting at Billy who argues that everybody deserves a chance at redemption. Bethany is having none of it and returns to Coronation Street to tell David. She’s stopped in her tracks when Shona tells her what a good place David is in now. She tells Billy that she’ll keep his secret providing he stays away from Josh. That’s not even the most exciting thing to happen at number 8 as David and Shona have invited Audrey and Lewis around for tea. Gail is understandably rather put out at the silver fox crossing her threshold, but unfortunately it’s only vampires who need an invitation to enter, not suave conmen with a penchant for naval wear. She issues one of her trademark ‘either they go, or I do’ ultimatums. Oh dear Gail. Shut the door on your way out.

Elsewhere Paula invents at least three hastily fabricated reasons to see Sophie. She seems to be a rather accomplished liar does Paula, although on the other hand Sally is very easily fooled. Having completely misread the situation she decides to set Paula up on a date with Kevin, which to Sophie’s chagrin she agrees to as a way to get Sally off her back.  Carla is also up for a bit of matchmaking, thinking that she might be able to push Peter back into Toyah’s floral clad arms. Not out of any sort of altruism of course, just as a way of removing the irresistible Barlow-shaped temptation from her own life.

Back at the Rovers Jim is on his way. He gives Peter a heartfelt apology, asks Liz to intercede with Steve and walks out the door and into a car containing a mysterious young woman.

‘Did you tell them?’ she asks.

‘All in good time’ says Jim.

Right that’s it from me. I’m off to practice my Jim McDonald accent so I am. Until next Friday…

By Kelly on twitter @MsKelstar

Coronation Street Episode Review Friday 7 September 7.30pm

Previously published on Coronation Street Blog.

We start tonight with the delightful sight of Toyah wandering down Coronation Street in her pyjamas. No, she hasn’t taken her boho look to a whole new level, she’s just managed to lock herself out of hers and Leanne’s mystery new home. After some light ribbing from Simon and Imran (but we all know where that’s going to lead), Peter offers her a bag of Tracey’s old clothes which were destined for the charity shop.  While she’s changing he finds time to whip her up a vegan lunchbox and enclose a good luck note. My, my Mr Barlow when did you become a grown-up?

Dev, Tim, Kirk and a reluctant Eileen are planning Steve’s stag. Stag do’s have changed quite considerably in the 21st century, nowadays it’s all kayaking in Iceland or exploring the cultural delights of Andalusia. Clearly none of this enlightenment has reached Weatherfield as the stags have gone for the full on 1970’s experience which means handcuffing Steve to the bar, daft t-shirts and men in bras. As yet no dwarfs are involved but the night is still young.

Over at number 9 Tyrone is still struggling to deal with the discovery of his ‘abduction’ by Jackie. How did it affect his real mother, he wonders? Is she still looking for him? Fizz suggests they turn to Roy for help in tracking her down and Roy does indeed have a plan – looking through 35-year-old newspapers for any report of a stolen child. Before long Brian in is recruited too (despite being mildly disappointed that it’s not an alien abduction). With Cropper and Packham on the case how can they fail!

Over at number 9 Tyrone is still struggling to deal with the discovery of his ‘abduction’ by Jackie. How did it affect his real mother, he wonders? Is she still looking for him? Fizz suggests they turn to Roy for help in tracking her down and Roy does indeed have a plan – looking through 35-year-old newspapers for any report of a stolen child. Before long Brian in is recruited too (despite being mildly disappointed that it’s not an alien abduction). With Cropper and Packham on the case how can they fail!

Meanwhile Bethany spots Billy giving homeless Frank some money and immediately jumps to the conclusion that he’s using drugs again.  Clearly having nothing else better to do, she decides to turn detective and follow him. Good try Miss Platt but you’re no Cropper and Packham. She of course finds the vicar at the hospital giving Josh a bible reading and bursts in accusing Billy of betraying David.

Back at the Rovers Steve is still handcuffed to the bar, waiting for Peter to bring the key when who should walk in but Jim McDonald – back from the Big House.

He greets them with a familiar: ‘What about you Steven. Elizabeth’. And then we’re left to catch ourselves on until 8.30…

By Kelly on twitter: @MsKelstar

Coronation Street Episode Review Friday 17 August 8.30pm

We’re back and Audrey is at the prison visiting Lewis. He wants her to know that he’s a changed man. He’s no longer motivated by money or having his ‘massive ego massaged’ (tmi Audrey!). He wants nothing more than a second chance with only woman he has ever loved.   Audrey is clearly beguiled by his smooth talk. ‘People can change’ she tells her disbelieving daughter later. You can’t help but feel that this will fall on deaf ears with Gail, a woman who hasn’t changed her hairdo for the last 15 years!

Back at the hospital Saira gives in and allows Rana to see her father but it’s too late. Believing she and Kate are finished Hassan takes his daughters hand in apparent reconciliation as he passes away, leaving Rana distraught and wracked with guilt that she lied to her father on his deathbed.  In another room Billy is visiting blind Josh offering hope and miracles. Unsurprisingly the biblically punished rapist is unwilling to accept this salvation. You can’t win ‘em all Billy!

Elsewhere at the Metcalfe’s the very un-mastiff like Paula is down-to-earth, business like and positive they can win the case which is only based on circumstantial evidence. If only doubting Tim felt the same way. In the Rovers Imran and Leanne are enjoying a very flirty interview for Rosie’s old job which culminates in an offer of a game of scrabble. Who knew that the way to Leanne’s heart was through word games? We’d love to know what her triple word score is.

That’s nearly it apart from Carla and Peter both protesting far too much that they are just business partners.  Peter drops a bombshell that rather than being a sleeping partner he intends to work at the factory fulltime, but of course this is just about securing his investment and Simon’s future and in no way about Ms Connor’s pillowy lips.  Has everyone got that?

That’s all from me chuck. I'm @mskelstar on twitter, give us a follow (I’m no relation to Lewis Archer!)

Coronation Street Episode Review Friday 17 August 7.30pm

Welcome to the first of tonight’s two episode reviews...

Carla and Peter are both announcing their presence as the new (old) owners of the factory. Carla has a 50p pay rise for Sarah (seriously why bother?) and some customary sarcastic put-downs for the rest of the team whilst Peter is buying them all cakes and free drinks. I don’t think you need to be Poirot to work out which new boss might be the good cop.

Imran is unrepentant in his support for Dodgy Duncan. ‘It’s not personal it’s just business’ he tells Sally and Geena, clearly channelling his inner Michael Corleone. Note to Street residents: if Imran ever offers you a trip in a fishing boat, just turn it down. But never fear Geena is on the case and has hired a ‘bull-mastiff with a law degree’.  It’s ‘Princess Paula’ an old schoolfriend of the Seddon girls who is now a specialist in fraud cases and is luckily prepared to work for mate’s rates despite presumably not having seen either of them for about 35 years.

Over at the hospital, Rana is still being barred from seeing her Dad by Saira DeVille. Desperate to see her dying father Rana pretends she has broken up with Kate and in a scene creepily reminiscent of Carrie is forced by her mother to ‘confess’ how sinful she is and how her relationship was ‘shameful against nature’.

The Platt’s are having a busy day. Audrey has had a visiting order from Lewis and Gail has a new job, (courtesy of Sarah) doing Gary’s admin. Gary looks about as thrilled as a vegan who’s been given a KFC mega bucket. As he tries unsuccessfully to work on his forced smile Gail gets an unwelcome surprise of her own. Lewis Archer has mysteriously transferred £40k into her account. What is the sly silver fox up to?

We'll have to wait until 8.30 to find out...

Henry VIII only had three wives…and other surprising facts about England’s best-known king

1. It’s a miracle that he ever became king
Henry VIII was the second son of his father Henry VII, the spare rather than the heir. His older brother Arthur should have been king, but he died suddenly at the age of 15. Had Arthur lived Henry was destined for a career in the church…which might have rather scuppered his later matrimonial adventures!

On top of this the whole Tudor dynasty had a pretty shaky claim to throne of England.  His father Henry VII was the son of a minor Welsh nobleman. His mother had royal blood, being descended from Edward III, but hers was an illegitimate line meaning she should have been barred from the succession. Henry VII seized the throne after the Battle of Bosworth and then married the daughter of Edward IV to sure up his position, but there were still a great many of nobles who had a much better claim to the throne than the Tudors.

All of this made Henry VIII touchy and determined to rid his realm of anyone that may pose a threat. He ruthlessly ordered the executions of anyone who could have been a rival to him. One of the most brutal of these executions was the frail 67-year-old Margaret, Countess of Salisbury who was his second cousin. The poor woman, who was entirely innocent, lost her marbles when taken to the scaffold and refused to lay her head on the block. The amateur executioner ended up chasing her around the scaffold and hacking her to death, eventually severing her head after the eleventh blow. Proving that if you even had the tiniest bit of royal blood in their veins during Henry’s VIII your best bet was to get as far away as possible!

2. He wasn’t all that into sex
Far from the randy monarch chasing buxom maids of honour around Hampton Court, Henry was pretty prudish by the standards of his day. In fact, it’s likely that he had more wives than he had mistresses. Henry married six times (or did he, more on that later!) but there are only three women who are definitely known to have been his mistress, (other than those whom he subsequently married): Bessie Blount, Mary Boleyn and Madge Shelton. 

Henry was actually a romantic rather than a serial shagger.  He waited six years to bed his second wife Anne Boleyn and there’s no evidence that in that time he was sleeping with anyone else. Henry was looking for true love not just a quick bunk up.

Monarchs or nobles marrying for love in the 16th century was virtually unheard of. Royal and aristocratic marriages were arranged for purely dynastic reasons right up until the beginning of the 20th century. But Henry married at least four out of his six wives because he was in love with them. In fact, the one time he did what monarchs were supposed to do and married for diplomatic reasons it ended disastrously with Henry claiming he disliked the hapless bride on sight and then immediately falling head over heels in love with one of her maids of honour, who became wife number five!

3. He only had three wives 
The six wives of Henry VIII is the bit of British history we all know. There’s even a rhyme so that we can remember them all: Divorced, Beheaded, Died, Divorced, Beheaded, Survived. And while it’s true that Henry took six different women down the aisle, he would have claimed that he was only married three times, and he may have had a point!

This is because Henry had three of his marriages – to Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn and Anne of Cleves - annulled. Unlike a divorce where the couple choose to end their marriage, annulments essentially declare that the marriage never took place. So in legal terms, Henry VIII did only have three wives.

Of course, it really all depended on who you spoke to. His first wife Catherine of Aragon and her supporters maintained that her marriage was legal and that she was still married to the king up until her death, despite him repudiating her and marrying another woman. But Henry’s wives didn’t get a say in whether their marriages were null and void. In the Tudor court the only opinion that mattered was Henry’s, and if he claimed he’d only had three wives you’d probably be best agreeing with him if you wanted to keep your head on your shoulders!

4. He was a Catholic
After the six wives the other important part of Henry’s reign that we learn about in history class is how he broke away from Rome and turned England into a Protestant country. Except that Henry VIII still thought of himself as a Catholic.

Up until he decided that he wanted out of his first marriage to Catherine of Aragon, Henry had been a staunch Catholic. In 1521 he’d written a book condemning the new Protestant teachings of Martin Luther and been rewarded with the title Defender of the Faith by the Pope. But that all changed in the 1530’s.

Henry wanted the Pope to declare his marriage to Catherine null and void but when the Pope refused he decided to take matters into his own hands. He passed an act stating that he, Henry was now the Head of the Church of England and declared that the Pope no longer had any authority in England. 

But even while he was picking a fight with Rome and stripping the Catholic monasteries of all their land and valuables Henry held very conservative views on religion. He didn’t want England turning into a Protestant country and in 1539 he passed the Sixth Articles which said that Catholic beliefs and services were to be followed in church.  This included confession, priests remaining celibate and holy communion. Three unlucky protestants who denied Catholic beliefs were burned at the stake.

All of which makes you wonder whether if Henry had got his own way over his annulment then would England still be a Catholic country?

5. He may have been impotent
As we discovered above Henry was never really a hit as a Casanova, much preferring romantic courtly love to a saucy romp, but this could also be due to him having problems in the bedroom department.

Anne Boleyn his second wife (in a remark that would return to haunt her) told her sister-in-law that the King could not satisfy a woman as he had neither ‘vertu’ [skill] nor ‘puissance’ [vigour].
In a later marriage to Anne of Cleves he was again unable to perform. Henry of course claimed that it was her fault, that her body was repulsive to him and that: ‘he could never …be provoked and steered to know her carnally’. There were various other excuses but they all added up to the same thing: Henry was unable to consummate his marriage. 

There may have been medical reasons for his failure to perform. In 1536, age 44 he took a fall from his horse and was unconscious for two hours. This could have caused a brain injury which would have had a detrimental effect on his sex life. His increasing weight gain was also a problem. After the accident his waist expanded from 32in to 52in! So even if he could have raised his flagpole, he was hardly every girl’s fantasy!

Why Heathcliff and Darth Vader are the same person

This year is the 200th anniversary of the birth of Emily Bronte – author of Wuthering Heights. The book is widely regarded as one of the classics of English literature and has influenced everyone from Sylvia Plath to Kate Bush…to Star Wars. Yep, if you’re struggling to understand Heathcliff in your English Literature class you need look no further than Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader. He and Heathcliff are pretty much identical characters.

Brooding Romantic hero Heathcliff and the most terrifying villain of the Galactic Empire? Seems hard to grasp unless you know that our image of Heathcliff’s character has been heavily influenced by the numerous film versions, the majority of which are only interested in the love story between Heathcliff and Cathy and forget the rest of the book, where he’s frankly a bit of a shit!

Most film adaptations of Wuthering Heights end with Cathy’s death, after which hers and Heathcliff’s ghosts wander the moors, never to be parted for all eternity. Ahh how romantic! Except that Cathy dies about a third of the way into the book. Love story kaput.  After that Heathcliff spends the rest of the novel exacting violent revenge on all those around him and generally making everyone, including his and Cathy’s children’s, lives miserable, until he finally gets to meet her ghost again at the very end of the novel.

So, our notion of Wuthering Heights is much like (horror of horrors) only having seen the prequel Star Wars trilogy. The Heathcliff of the first part of the book and the film adaptations, most notably the version of the character created by Lawrence Olivier in the famous 1939 version, is basically prequel Anakin. Whereas the Heathcliff of the later part of the book savagely sadistic, vengeful, devoid of empathy and with all the charm of a constipated nightclub bouncer has more in common with Darth Vader. Same character.

Still not sure? Let’s look at the evidence.

1. Mysterious origins
Heathcliff is an orphan found on the streets of Liverpool and brought to live with the Earnshaw family. From the very beginning there is something ‘other’ about him, something evil. He’s described as a fiend; some characters even speculate that he may be the devil.

Anakin has no father. He seems to have just sprung into creation, possibly when Palpatine’s Sith Master Darth Plagueis figured out how to manipulate the force into creating life. If that’s true, then like Heathcliff, Anakin could be evil incarnate.

2. All-encompassing passion for a woman
Both Heathcliff and Anakin grow up and fall madly in love with a beautiful woman forbidden to them. Each end up pushing her away and eventually lose her to premature death. They’re both destroyed by this, completely unable to move on and become obsessed with the object of their passion returning to them.

‘I will do whatever you ask. Just help me save Padme's life. I can't live without her. If she dies, I don't know what I will do.’ Anakin Skywalker, Revenge of the Sith

‘Do not leave me in this abyss alone […] I cannot live without my life and I cannot live without my soul’. Heathcliff, Wuthering Heights (16:25)

3. Personality
Heathcliff practically embodies the code of the Sith. He is passionate, arrogant and proud, a man who hates as deeply as he loves.  Despite displaying a high level of intelligence and ability, he is self-destructive. He chooses exile out of a hatred for social institutions and norms.

The Darth Vader we meet at the beginning of the original trilogy has become an inhuman monster. He thinks of nothing but power and, like Heathcliff, his need to survive at all costs has driven out the space in his soul for other people.

Both men are cold, brutal and ruthless with a lot of anger management issues. Heathcliff never quite mastered the art of force choking but given the amount of physical violence he dolls out to his hapless wife and son you get the distinct impression he’d have been on it like white on rice.

‘That's not the plan. The tyrant grinds down his slaves and they don't turn against him; they crush those beneath them.’ – Heathcliff, Wuthering Heights (11.51)

Darth Vader: <after force choking Admiral Ozzel to death> ‘You are in command now... Admiral Piett!’
Admiral Piett: ‘Thank you, Lord Vader’
- The Empire Strikes Back

4. Ghostly redemption
Heathcliff believes in communication from beyond the grave and longs to join Cathy in the afterlife. Just a glimpse of her ghost is enough to make him give up on his obsessive revenge, and he dies soon after. 

‘I have a strong faith in ghosts; I have a conviction that they can, and do exist, among us!’ Heathcliff (29.24).

Darth Vader, whilst redeemed by the love of his son allows himself to once more believe in the power of unconditional love and when he dies is finally allowed to join the ghost the immortal souls of Obi-Wan and Yoda as they watch over Luke during the rebel celebration on Endor.

Which all in all makes you wonder how they got the casting in the prequel trilogy so wrong.

Imagine if they’d have got the sort of actor who usually gets the role of Heathcliff to play Anakin. Tom Hardy and Michael Fassbender are only a few years older than Hayden Christenson, either could have played the role as a true Byronic hero. A proud man unwilling to bow for anyone, wrestling with his internal conflict rather than a petulant teenager having a strop because the Jedi wouldn’t let them play with their toys.

Just imagine that, remembering prequel Anakin not as a whiny little shit who ruined Star Wars, but as a great tragic hero for our generation. Really George Lucas, what would Emily Bronte say?

Coronation Street Episode Review - Friday 3 August

Published on 4 August at https://coronationstreetupdates.blogspot.com/ 

It’s the day of Aidan’s inquest and the Connor clan are steeling themselves to relive the terrible ordeal and anxiously wondering if Eva will show up with baby Susie.

She makes an entrance, late but perfectly accessorised, mother and child in matching pink and with the devoted Adam in tow.   He clearly didn’t get the pink outfit memo and has rather let the side down in a boring black shirt.

Johnny is the first to speak and gives a harrowing account of finding his son’s body, but it’s Eva who makes sure there isn’t a dry eye in the house.

‘He thought he was setting me free, which only made me love him more’, she sobs.

Meanwhile at the back of the room Adam clutches baby Susie and you see the realisation dawn that Aidan was and always will be the love of Eva’s life. As she pitifully tells the inquest that she loved Aidan with all her heart he knows that he will never be able to compete.

Over at the Rovers Gemma has dealt with the Dubonnet mountain by inventing the Uber-Duber, (a cocktail which appears to be at least palatable). It’s a better idea than Henry’s one – start a Rovers Instagram account. There’s only so many images of hot-pots and Liz McDonald in spandex that the internet can stand. The cocktails sell like…err…hot-pots and before long Mary is on the Karaoke murdering ‘Sex Bomb’. When a fight for the microphone breaks out between her and Gina (I always had her down as more of an Ed Sheeran fan), Gemma’s years of experience of being kicked out of pubs comes in handy as she breaks up the fight, earning a nod of approval from ‘old-hand’ Liz McDonald.

It should be Gemma’s moment of pride, but a fall is lurking around the corner in the form of a public-school educated scoundrel. Watched by Chesney, Henry takes a furtive phone call and then skulks around the back of the pub to meet with a posh looking woman, (who we presume is his fiancée), to assure her that he will let Gemma down soon. Posh fiancée seems remarkable nonplussed that her betrothed is playing at pub with an ex-girlfriend, but that’s the ruling classes for you. To misquote Oscar Wilde: ‘They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility!’

Daniel offers the empty shop to Brian in light of his impending fatherhood, which will mean he’ll need a proper income rather than low-paid jobs like waiting tables…oh no hang on... It may be too late though, Brian is looking after a clearly besotted Joseph in a camouflage den and seems to have found his true calling as a Bear Grylls themed childminder. Looks like Dan-aed might be stuck with the shop. I hope the moths in the freezer trick worked!

Meanwhile Sean is trying to deal with the aftermath of the mugging by making flippant remarks and pushing away anyone who tries to help him. He brusquely refuses Craig’s offer of help and pretends he doesn’t know Carol. It’s only as he frantically tries to wash the clothes he’s slept in and hungrily devours a thrown-away pizza, that his dire circumstances dawn on him.

As the inquest ends Peter appears, apparently for no other reason than to stalk Carla and be cruel to Toyah, the man is such a charmer. Away from Eva, Adam confesses to him that he doesn’t know how he can compete with a dead man ‘He’s only going to grow more perfect’, he muses.

‘Don’t waste your life wishing for something you can never have’, Peter tells Adam. Hmm pot, kettle Mr Barlow, isn’t your current raison d’etre to get an unwilling Carla to have dinner with you?

Back at Coronation Street, Tracy, Abi and Beth have their glowsticks at the ready as they head off to an acid house party in Blackpool. Abi appears to be dressed as Ian Brown and wastes no time in mocking Beth’s choice of outfit. As acid house raves finished in roughly 1992 I’m wondering if all of them might have got this very wrong and maybe need to remember that they’re all pushing 40 and would probably feel a lot more comfortable in a nice Boden shift dress.

Steve catches the girls and plays a guilt trip on Tracy about her missing Amy’s (actually cancelled) violin concert. She’s so relieved to be ‘let off’ that she agrees to him getting a County season ticket. 1 nil to Steve. For now.

Back at the Rovers Eva is saying her goodbyes. She and Johnny reconcile, both finally accepting that neither of them is to blame for Aidan’s suicide. Eva tells him he will always be Susie’s Granddad and invites him to come and visit whenever he likes. It’s all looking like a fairytale ending for our pink princess until Adam tells her he needs to talk to her. He can’t live with knowing that it’s Aidan that she really wants. She tells him she needs him, but his mind is made up. When he says that she doesn’t love him as much as she loved Aidan she can’t deny it. They part as friends but turns out that the hardest goodbye is yet to come.

As Eva hugs her two sisters Toyah all but begs her and Susie to stay, leading Eva to explain that her attachment to Susie is the main reason she’s leaving. As Toyah hands Susie back and watches her and Eva get into the taxi you can almost hear her heart breaking.

‘It’s just me and you now babes’ says Eva to her little girl as they leave the Cobbles.  Good luck Eva. May your laugh echo around vineyards of France!